Friday, February 03, 2012

Feeling the blues

Yesterday was kinda rough.  I'm not gonna lie.  I was at home with Baxter (per usual) and I had a list of projects to tackle, a house that I could clean, taxes I could start, a gym membership that I could use (there were no shortage of things for me to do), but I just didn't want to do any of it.  I wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep, or sit on the couch and watch Real Housewives and eat cookies.  I was anxious, panicked, depressed. :(  This was my first moment since I left my job where I felt like "What the hell have I done?"  I felt lost, useless and unimportant and I was filled with doubt.  I finished my chair project, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, vacuumed, and tried not to cry.  Jake called me around 6 PM when he was leaving work, and I lost it.  Cry me a river.  I started sputtering about how I was worried that I would never be any good at this interior design thing.  I mean, I'm not educated about it, and the classes I'm going to take at the community college weren't going to help all that much.  Who was going to hire me? I would surely have to take an entry-level job, and would my Masters degree deter people from hiring me for an entry-level position?  Should I go back to financial planning?  Were there even any jobs in financial planning?  Should I just be a stay-at-home wife because being a stay-at-home mom was in my not so distant future?  Did I even want to be a stay-at-home mom?   And as I'm saying all these things and crying and feeling bad for myself, I feel even worse because I think of all the people who go to work every day doing jobs they hate because they HAVE to.  And they might wish they could take time off or be a stay-at-home mom or dad, and they can't.  I HAVE options, and I'm crying. God, I'm such a HUGE brat.  We went to dinner and talked some, but the night ended in a blowout fight.  I was just in that kind of mood - he couldn't avoid it.  We haven't fought like that in such a long time.  It was horrible.  Nothing was going to fix this day except for a good night's sleep and a clear mind.  So, we went to bed.

Today the sun is shining, Jake has the day off, and we're getting ready to head off to Loon Mountain for a weekend of skiing and birthday celebrations with my family.  Today is a good day, and it will be a great weekend.  I am blessed, I am happy, and I have options.  Just need to take it one day at a time.

4 comments:

  1. Have a great weekend, Jess! And don't worry, everyone has days like that...

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    1. Hi Christine! Thanks for the encouragement. Have a nice weekend too!

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  2. your post today really spoke to me so i have to comment :) i have also been worried lately about some of the same things you talked about, i'm leaving my job that i love at the end of the month to go be with my fiance in amsterdam because he was deported 8 months ago. knowing that for the first time i won't be working and doing something that motivates me to get up every morning and makes me feeling important is so scary, and a little depressing, as i wonder how i'm going to fill my days and fear that i'm going to feel unimportant and useless. i'm sorry you're going through this, but you're such a talented person jess and i'm sure you'll be great at anything you put your mind to!! enjoy your ski weekend!!

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  3. Hi Sarah, thanks for your comment. It meant a lot to me. Sounds like you have some exciting adventures coming up! I had no idea that you are engaged. Congrats!! It must be so hard having your fiancé deported and being apart that long. It's wonderful that you'll be able to meet up with him again soon. Best wishes to you both! I know that you too will be fine and that you will figure things out and find something to do over there that you love. Keep in touch! I think of you often "poopie". PS: How did we spell that LOL??

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